Healing grief after loss of my only son!

Video created by Wendyann Lewis, if you have a story to tell, call her at 607-232-1335 or email her at lewiswendyann@gmail.com.

I believe in afterlife with a passion. What are your thoughts around this subject? I get it, people in general don’t want to talk about death or dying. Perhaps it is because there is a finality to these words. What if the idea of life after death was everyone’s truth? Do you think we would still be afraid of dying or suffer as much after loss of a loved one, specially a child?

The following is the story of how a commitment to healing grief after loss of my only son Roy Bokhoor changed everything in my life. His messages after his passing showered us with miracles and brought us gifts of love and joy. Roy’s messages made me believe that we go on living after our time on this earth is over. This undeniable belief, helped me create an unwavering commitment to healing my grief which has brought me to where I am now.

This is the first time I am sharing my story publicly in the hopes that it will bring healing and ease to those who are going through grief of losing a loved one specially losing a child.

Losing a child is particularly devastating. Well-being is supposed to be the order of your world; but the unimaginable has happened. Suddenly, the bottom has dropped out, and life as you knew it is gone in an instant. It’s not supposed to happen this way. The shock of it knocks the wind out of you; it hurts to breathe. Heaviness comes over you and you wonder: How am I going to live through this?

I’m different now. I’m the person who lost a child and that will always be a permanent part of my identity, following me around like a shadow. There’s a stigma separating me from people who are leading a “normal” life. I feel disconnected.

If I bring up my loss, will it create a barrier between me and other people? How do I bring it up; what words do I use? Is it even appropriate to bring up? Will I be accepted anymore? With whom can I share my loss and despair?

Hello, my name is Zoya Bokhoor-Mills. If you are reading this because you have lost a child, my heart goes out to you. You and I don’t know each other and yet we have something in common, we both have lost a child. For me, that loss was a pathway to a new beginning.

The sorrow and pain of losing my only son before his 24th birthday was too much to bear.

A few days after that painful call letting me know that my son had died, I received a message from him that shook me to my core. He wanted to let us know that he was ok and happy with his dad who had passed away 2 years earlier. Roy asked me to live my life because I was given a second chance and he was going to be with me through all of life’s challenges.

Even though I believed in my heart that Roy was ok, the pain of his loss was still present. I used to pray to God to stop my heart from beating or wished in silence to disappear into thin air. When my wishes did not come true and prayers did not get answered, I knew I was here to stay.

The moment I surrendered to life and stopped resisting it, I was gifted with more miracles. People would come to me and share what I needed to hear. Or they had gifts that helped me heal from the inside. My inner power started growing but it was no match to the power of the grief that consumed me.

One night the heart aching sadness began with uncontrollable sobbing and each moment I felt deeper into my sorrow. My only focus was on how much I was missing my son. The feelings were so strong that it felt like my heart was going to stop…then thought of Roy. What if he was there with me? What if he was able to feel what I was feeling? What if he was hurting (with my pain and sorrow)? And what if my heart did stop? What would that do to my mother and my sisters? They didn’t deserve a double tragedy. In that moment I decided to find a way to heal my broken heart and instantly the heart beat became normal, breathing started to flow, I felt calm and was able to fall asleep.

The next day I woke up determined to feel better and heal. My life had to change; the person who existed in my body was no longer a whole person. I had to find ways to start over.

I learned how to meditate and made it a habit to do every night before going to bed. My cousin gifted me with a guided meditation to connect with Roy. It was easy to feel him and see him in my mind.

Started to work out at the local gym. Being active and exercising helped me feel stronger and also signed up for Art classes at a local Art Studio. Drawing was always a dream of mine and I saw this chance to make it a reality. Soon I realized that creating Art was healing the part of me that needed to connect and be heard.

Next was signing up up with programs at Landmark Education (A Personal Growth Educational program). During attending classes and working on myself, I realized that a major part of grief was caused by the past. As memories and the meanings that I had given to them got cleared, feelings of freedom and the possibility of starting a new life became more real.

Through some research, I came across different holistic modalities of healing and every one of them helped me get better. As I re-built myself physically and emotionally one step at a time, life started to unfold.

Gradually, I found my footing and felt grounded then started noticing that with each step towards healing, I was faced with new painful thoughts and challenges. At first, I ignored them and kept going, telling myself that I will not be stopped by these negative emotions. But ignoring them did not get rid of them. It made them come back stronger. I started to lose these fights that created inner conflicts and caused me to stay in bed for days at a time. Then this realization came, the only way to go through these self-created roller coasters was to become friends with my Ego. It was always going to be there like an unwanted guest who would stop by without invitation. So instead of fighting the Ego I gave it room to talk and cleared the emotions that remained by feeling them and letting them go.

The next action that helped me trust myself more was starting a non-profit organization called “Roy’s Love Foundation, Inc.” to honor my son. Roy’s Love’s mission is to help the Homeless community by providing life’s essentials and needs.

People started to join the cause helping our homeless community. We picked up donations and gave them away. It felt great to help others and let them know that they are not alone.

One day I was invited by my dear friend Laura to be a part of a book that was going to be published with the title of Transformational Women. This book was about inspirational stories from 39 visionary women. Being a part of this extraordinary group was an honor for me. The experience was amazing and being able to tell my story for the first time was healing.

Knowing that my story may make a difference for people was thrilling. The book itself went through transformations as well. It was published with a different title “Get Your Woman On” and was launched in summer of 2011 in Dallas.

Along the way, I realized my healing powers were growing. When a friend and Co-Author suggested for me to become a Grief Coach, it resonated with me and I took it on.

A few days later my research brought me to the “Grief Coach Academy” founded by Aurora Winter. I was certified as a “From Heartbreak to Happiness®” coach after completing the 2 years of training. It was heartwarming to see that most of what I had learned during my own studies was being used in their programs. After certification I founded “Healing With Compassion” in 2013.

Today, I enjoy facilitating the healing that comes through coaching and Reiki (Energy Healing). Teaching, coaching and watching my clients relax and heal through Reiki is more than fulfilling, it is a passion.

People often ask me if what I do creates sadness or issues for me. My answer always is this: Of course, feelings of sadness may come up. You just let it go and keep moving. You don’t get affected negatively by doing what is in your Soul and who you are inside.

My son’s passing was the absolute worst thing that has happened in my life. The gift that it has given me is priceless. The worst thing that can happen to you could be the best thing if you change how you look at it and how you let it impact your life.

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change. Dr. Wayne Dyer

I am not the same person before my Roy crossed over. I used to complaint about everything and didn’t appreciate all the good and love surrounding me. Being of service, sharing experiences, growing through breakdowns and learning how to expand. I owe it all to God, Roy, my family and all the other amazing angels that walk among us.

Challenges are always in front of us, how we decide to deal with them sets the path we will travel.

GRIEF HEALING STARTS WITH YOUR DECISION AND COMMITMENT TO GET FREE; YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE. I MADE THE CHOICE.

At any moment, we can use the power within our Soul to heal no matter how deep we feel the sorrow.

My connection with my son has made it possible to send him the love that’s been sitting in my heart and to receive his wisdom and guidance in any moment.

If you are suffering through a paralyzing grief, wondering how you can go on living without your loved one, connect with them in your heart. You can imagine that they are either sitting next to you or doing something in the next room. Talk to them, share your thoughts, your stories, your love with them and feel their presence in your heart.